Like the Millennium Falcon stuck in the Death Star’s tractor beam, I was pulled into witty and insightful YouTuber Jenny Nicholson’s latest 4-hour YouTube video about a theme park. Last time I watched one of her looooong critiques, it was about the Utah trainwreck Evermore Park, a failed multi-million dollar fantasy LARP. This time, her video was about the now defunct Galactic Starcruiser, aka the Star Wars hotel in Disney World, a failed multi-million dollar sci-fi LARP. Actually, make that 1 billion?
The “Star Wars Hotel” opened in 2022 and officially closed last year, making it an “Order 66” level disaster for Disney. In her video, Nicholson talks about the history of the Galactic Starcruiser, why it failed, and her own Dago-blah experience visiting the doomed hotel. It’s worth a watch if you’re into theme park design, vacation schadenfreude, or how capitalism can ruin entertainment experiences for the rich, too. (I’m not certain it’s fair to call this Disney’s Fyre Festival, but I’m certain it’s funny to do it, so here I goooooo!)
Her video was exciting to me, in the same way a mad scientist might get excited to learn about a Frankenstein’s monster gone wrong. I’m both a lifelong theme park nerd and a game designer. I wrote a whole darn book parodying the history of imagineering, which a real-life imagineer wrote an article about. I’ve been to Disney parks many times, since my mom used to live in Florida and played Fairy Godmother at Disney World. Theme parks are in my magical blood and on my Space Mountain-addled mind.
Galactic Starcruiser was advertised as a highly “immersive” interactive experience where guests could live out their “Star Wars story” in real life. And I wanted to go! I’ve still never stayed at an immersive interactive theme hotel, like the murder mystery hotel in Los Angeles. Even as a theme park fan, there was no way I could justify the +$4,800 for two nights experience. My current feelings on Star Wars as a property are mixed. But even if I was a die-hard Warshead, I would rather host an interactive Star Wars LARP at a decorated AirBnB for two nights and spend a fraction of the money. Based on Nicholson’s review, I bet I would’ve had a better time, even with cleaning fees.
So, if you’ll indulge my imagineering geekery this week, I’d like to talk about the core aspect of the Galactic Starcruiser: the interactive roleplaying game experience. As a thought exercise, if I was hired as a consultant on the project, here’s how I would’ve suggested Disney retool the gameplay. It sounds like there were many, many problems with the hotel, like the less-than-luxurious bunk beds and the lack of a space pool, but I’m going to warp past those issues and stick to the gameplay, because that’s my “story path.”
According to Nicholson’s video, the game worked something like this: guests on the Starcruiser wear an RFID bracelet and have a special smartphone app on their phone. The app has a schedule of activities. These activities include meals, opportunities to play two “main” games (lightsaber training and ship blasting, which were apparently pretty shallow in terms of mechanics), and story scenes acted out by cast members.
At times, guests were allowed explore the ship to interact with consoles via their RFID chip, scan objects with their phone, and talk to a handful of actors playing original in-universe Star Wars characters. As guests explored, their actions were supposed to trigger messages sent to their phone from the characters (a mechanic that Nicholson found extremely buggy). These messages contained “mission” prompts designed to unlock secret story scenes for guests. For example, if you tried to “hack” into a computer console (re: push buttons on it randomly), the smuggler on-board would text you a mission to steal precious cargo (ex. scan QR codes on crates), and if you succeed the smuggler invited you to the luggage room at 2:30 pm to “help” (witness) them steal some cool space luggage. Your actions would lead you down one of three story paths: Resistance, First Order, or Smuggler. The idea was that your choices affected how your story unfolded.
So, what needed fixing, besides the technical glitches and the price tag, lol?
#1 Lack of Story Paths: There are a lot of characters in Star Wars living out all kinds of potential fantasies. Yes, there are Jedis, scoundrels, and space fascists, but what about someone who wants to be a droid designer? A wookie ambassador? A blue milk pasteurizer? For my ~$5K, I expect a LOT of story options. So rather than designing the Galactic Starcruise as a pick-your-path adventure with three main paths, I would suggest retooling the experience to be more open world. Now, as interactive fiction designers know, adding branches to a story makes it more expensive. To which I say, if this was literally a billion dollar LARP, then they could’ve afforded it. But also, they already had the tools to add tons of branches without ballooning their budget…
#2 No More Busy Work: Every single Star Wars thing you do on that ship should be tracked with the tracking technology they already had. Nicholson described activities like card games and bingo as “busy work” unrelated to your story. I would suggest that everyone who plays bingo gets their bracelet scanned. If you win a prize, you get a message from the captain calling you a “high roller,” and if you run into the smuggler, his headset (all the actors had headsets that fed them data about the guests’ story paths, also buggy) should tell him you’re a rich mark, so he can comically attempt try to steal your precious bingo winnings.
#3 Add More Tiny Activities: There should’ve been tons of micro activities to do on the ship, all of which could’ve contributed to a unique story. For example, install a bunch of hidden porg animatrons in various corners. If a guest uses the app to take pics of all the porgs, they’re a renowned “porg photographer” and the captain says your work should be in Intergalactic Geographic, a future magazine that’s oddly still in print. Also, things they’re already doing could be story activities. If the guest spends the day drinking at the cantina, the alien bartender messages them that they’re a “concoction connoisseur” and also asks you for the keys to your spacecraft.
#4 Make Small Choices Count: At the end of the trip, all the guests receive an embroidered badge. (I can hear an imaginary executive in my head saying it should be a virtual badge and it makes my skin crawl.) The badge would signify how they spent the majority of their time on the trip. Sure, big choices are cool – “Am I a space hero or a literal space nazi?” – but I think small choices, if they’re meaningfully acknowledged by the game, would resonate more deeply with players. They’ll feel more personal and unique to them, especially if there are so many options a family of four could leave as the star of four individual Star Wars stories. Plus, they give guests a reason to return and play again. How many of the badges can you collect? (“How much money do you have?” squeaks Mickey Mouse in a Jedi robe.)
#5 Unlock All Story Scenes: I think all the story scenes should’ve been available to every player, regardless of their choices. Let’s say my friend and I are on different story paths. She’s on the smuggler path and I’m on the resistance path. However, we both want to see Chewbacca beat the shit out of a space nazi in the coat room, and that’s only for First Order guests. Why not let us go? Allow the actors to customize the scene based on the guests present – using those nifty headsets that would hopefully actually work – rather than try to filter out guests whose presence could make the scene more interesting.
Imagine, after Chewbacca knees a space nazi in the groin, he singles out my friend and I for high fives, since we were the only ones in the crowd of 20 who didn’t choose to pretend to be nazis on our luxury theme park location. It’d also be fun for the groaning nazi to be like, “I’ll stomp on your necks like they’re a bunch of porgs! Do you hear that, renowned porg photographer?,” he could say, pointing to a now crying child.
As an in-world justification for why you know every character’s private doings, despite your “alliances,” perhaps your jailbroken “datapad” (mobile phone) has the shared calendars of all the characters on it, so you know what their schedules are like. That’s as plausible to me as people re-building Death Star hundreds of times after it gets blown up again and again and again.
I could go on. Maybe I’ll do a series of prequels and sequels. But for now, to sum up, here’s what I would’ve suggested to the imagineers:
- Focus on open exploration. Guests should be encouraged to make their own way through the story as much as possible, rather than follow a rigid schedule.
- Fill the environment with tons of detail. Lots of cool little elements to discover and interact with. This is what Disney’ imagineering is known for! I’m bummed I would even have to suggest this!!!
- Everything guests do should “count.” Even their smallest decisions should have story repercussions, from flipping a switch to flushing a toilet. (“Congratulations, you’re a space plumber!”) That’s more memorable and fun than hunting (and in Nicholson’s case, failing to find) something “important” to do.
On a luxury vacation, the staff are supposed to respond to the guest’s every whim. That’s what the money’s for. Instead, it seems the Galactic Starcruiser expected guests to run themselves ragged to figure out how the game wanted to be played. I think they dropped the BB-8 with their design. The guests should’ve been able to focus on having fun and exploring however they wanted, and the environment should’ve adapted to them.
Sadly, not all Star Wars stories have a happy ending. RIP Galactic Starcruiser. Also, RIP Gungans. RIP Jedi Children. RIP… Oh man, who’s up for a Star Wars Galactic Funeral LARP?
🎲 Your Turn: Pick a theme park attraction. What changes would you make to it? Email me your thoughts or leave a comment with the button below.
📨 Next Week: Let me introduce you to my foremost creative collaborator, my wife Amanda, and some of the crazy things we’ve worked on over the years, like a sticker book where you put dicks on the presidents. No, really.
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