My friend Gwen, a very talented game designer, came over to co-work this week. I asked Gwen if she wanted to cancel, given the election and the vibes of dread. She said sitting around the house by herself wouldn’t help, so she came over. Part of me wanted her to say exactly that. Another part of me wanted her to cancel, so I could spend the afternoon with a blanket over my head. It was much nicer hanging out with a friend than doing the blanket thing.
We talked about game projects we’re working on. I mentioned a card game prototype I’d been noodling with the past few weeks. A competitive storytelling game, where players tell the story together, but compete for whose character gets their happy ending. Played with trading cards you already own. She said that was unique. I’m excited about the game. I signed up to playtest it next weekend at IndieCade. I’m considering entering it into Zine Quest next year. I want to tweak the rules some more. I have a big idea for the “scene” mechanic.
And yet, no. The thought of working on the card game right now… it just feels impossible. I want to, I just… can’t. It feels like I’m asking myself to lift a 400 lbs boulder above my head. Last week, I was juggling boulders. I was Fred Flintstone taking up a new midlife hobby. Gwen spent our co-working time adding drag-and-drop functionality to her puzzle game. I didn’t add any functionality to my game. I feel dragged and dropped.
I’m still being creative for work, but it’s different when money’s involved. The survival instinct kicks in. Work is taking everything out of me this week. When I write, my fingers hurt. When I do mocap performance stuff, I get tired and out-of-breath. It’s all so exhausting. I’m trying to reach a big milestone deadline and what I need is sleep. This week, I’m getting terrible nights of sleep. My current secret weapon for sleep are these gummies with melatonin in them. They usually get the job done. They are not getting the job done. I stay awake playing out the worst case scenarios in my head, then I wake up too early and read articles about the doom and gloom that awaits us next year. And for years to come.
This might read like a pity party. And it is! Poor me, everybody!!! Tomorrow’s WaPo headline: “2024 Election Fallout: Narrative Designer Experiences Devastating Off-Week.”
No, I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just being honest. This is how I feel. That’s the whole point of this newsletter: to examine and encourage my creative practice. Part of my process for self-examination is honestly reflecting on when and why I don’t feel creative. The reason that comes to mind: a feeling of irrelevance. In a world of unrelenting cruelty, making art feels insignificant. Like, why am I folding origami cranes in the middle of this hurricane? Who am I helping?
This isn’t shock. I knew this was a distinct possibility. The cancer in our country was never eliminated. It has continued to spread throughout the body. It’s been in the system since inception, but it’s metastasizing so quickly and obviously. Even if the election went better, the cancer would still be there. I wasn’t hoping for a cure, just another four more years of remission. No such luck. Wow, I went long on this cancer metaphor. Clearly, I’m in a great mood!
I’m fully aware my low period will end, if my past is any indicator. After waves of exhaustion, bitterness, and self-deprecation pass, I’ll channel my anger and intellect into my art. It’ll spew out of me as jokes, metaphors, and subtext for an interactive adventure. The art will feel therapeutic, helping me cope with the sadness. Maybe the art will connect with others, helping them process their own feelings and see the world differently. My productivity will return, driving me to continue volunteering. This will help me feel like I do more for the world than clown around, though I’m not knocking clowns. If all the clowns went away, who would frighten and murder our children?
But that’s future me. Adjusted me. Focused me. Invigorated me. I’m not him yet. I am current me, and current me feels like shit. I don’t feel creative. I don’t feel smart. I feel sad and tired.
Eventually, I’ll lift the boulders again, but I won’t force it. Not until I have my strength back.
🎲 Your Turn: How’re you holding up? Better than me? Worse? If you’re up for it, reply to this email or comment with the orange button below. 🫂
📨 Next Week: I have good news about Fix Your Mother’s Printer, which I’ll share next week. Something to look forward to?! Wahooooooo, lol!
23 responses to “I Don’t Feel Creative”
I especially connect with your essay here. I have now lived through the Cold War 1980s, Chernobyl, 9/11, the Great Recession, the Fukushima nuclear disaster, Trump’s first term, a deadly global pandemic, and a very sudden spike in global/local/social media antisemitism. I’ve faced depression and suicide issues, plus the loss of a sister to cancer. But honestly… I have never felt as fearful and bleak as I do right now, about where this country is and where it’s about to go.
Sorry for the darkness lol
Your comment is like “We Didn’t Start the Fire” without the peppy melody! (You can add “the Cola Wars” to your list.)
The country is going to experience bad times, but I love my neighbors and community. When we strengthen the local scene, it helps combat the darkness.
If you ever need to feel a little bit better there is a sure way to do it, help someone. You will not only bring a smile to someone’s face but that smile will give you the confirmarion that you can do good in this world one smile at a time.
Thanks for sharing this difficult moment, it helps us all realize we can share and work together.
Thanks for reading. I agree, helping others always makes me feel better. What a nice bonus!
I was watching an interview with Fareed Zakaria last week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMFu39LW99w
He said something like:
It’s a pendulum. There’s been SO MUCH PROGRESS in the past 40 years that the back swing was bound to be especially swingy.
It feels like we’re all living through an endless series of backlashes.
I am a big podcast person-Welcome to Nightvale, Normal Gossip, 99% Invisible, Not Another D&D Podcast (among many many others) however I couldn’t bring myself to listen to them after the election. So I pivoted to music. Some Mountain Goats, Panic! at the Disco, The Academy Is, whatever strikes my fancy.
I really found This Year by The Mountain Goats particularly inspiring. “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me” might be my mantra for the foreseeable future. Regardless of what the future holds I will deal with it exactly as it comes: one moment at a time.
I like that you’re finding strength in music. ✊
My friends love The Mountain Goats and I hear they made an album about pro wrestling, which rules. Maybe I’ll finally give them a chance?!
Mostly, I’m just avoiding/disassociating from the news. There will be time for
hair pulling and screaming soon enough and I’d rather conserve my energy. In the meantime, I’m just trying to encourage people to consider what in person community looks like. How can they build support networks that don’t run solely online?
Also I already unsubscribed from the Washington Post and I just unsubscribed from the New York Times. I hope them both partly responsible for the outcome because of their unwillingness to hold certain people accountable while being far too eager to point out Issues with the Democratic candidates. In their place, I will be paying more attention to my local newspaper. (and hope it survives) and I just signed up for a paid subscription to the Guardian.
That’s a smart idea, Jackie. Both unplugging from the news for a bit and encouraging offline communities. I wonder if a proper backlash is coming to toxic online culture, given all the horrible things it’s wrought. The other day I was talking to a friend about Meltdown Comics, which was an incredible gathering place for LA’s nerd community. It shut down years ago, but people still talk about it, because a great scene formed there that’s never been replaced. We need those IRL “third spaces.”
Honestly, I suspect my avoidance of modern social media and the click bait rage machine wearing a skin suit made from the murdered corpse of Journalism is one of the reasons I’m able to stay somewhat sane.
Wish I had the means to get out of the house on a regular basis and could find like minded people to hang out with in real life. Sadly, I’m trappedin a small, middle of nowhere town with no mass transit, near useless paratransit, no pedestrian access out of the trailer park I live in, and I’m the only college educated person among those I interact with regularly… and to make matters worse, the closest thing I have to a best friend is a Trumper and my grandniece’s adoptive mother actually voted for the guy, and that’s two out of the three adults I interact with the most and I have to live with one of them… Fortunately, they seem to be of the “duped by the mudslinging aimed at Biden/Harris” types and admit the guy isn’t perfect rather than buying Trump’s hateful rhetoric hook, line, and sinker and practically worshipping the guy.
You may be right. I avoided TV news all election night and watched Ghoulies 2. When I finally decided to look at my phone and check Google News, that’s when the doldrums set in. I realized Ghoulies 2 was a metaphor for what was happening to the country.
We’re struggling at my house this week. My better half is trans, and he’s genuinely terrified about what’s coming. I’m trying to pour my dread into board games and crafting. Something beautiful should come out of all this nervous energy I have.
I hope your creative slump passes quickly. They’re the worst.
Thank you, Trin. I’m sorry you’re struggling. These are scary times, no doubt about it. I’m glad you have outlets. They help tremendously.
Hey Geoffrey— I rarely comment on stuff like your newsletter, preferring to be a lurker, but your email came in at the exact right moment, and it made me feel a lot less alone.
I’ve been sitting at my desk for hours, a single earbud in my ear, but no music playing, scrolling on my phone instead of working on my art. I feel like the day after the announcement and yesterday I was much more hopeful and felt capable of making the moves that I need to take to move forward and push through this. But today? I’m a blob.
So, thank you for sharing your process and thoughts with us, both in the past and future. Here’s hoping all of us can find ourselves in a place where we can take action soon.
Thanks for reading, lurking, commenting – being here. I’m glad my piece helped you feel less alone. Your comment made me feel less alone and bloblike. I think the way forward is standing and sharing with each other.
This week, I’m doing my best to stay occupied by being at a con. Next week? We’ll see.
Hey Dane! I hope you have a distractingly lucrative show.
I’m right there with ya man. It’s been a sucker punch and we’re still reeling, but we’re not giving up. We know that while there are just as many shitty people or people willing to live with shitty things, there are people who are not. We are many and we will get through this together. At this point, we can only pick up and move forward because that’s the only direction I see. Be prepped for some bad days, but ultimately, we’ll get through to those good days again. Hope you and your partner are healthy and take the time that’s needed to heal enough to go ham in the future.
Likewise, Nick. I hope you and your loved ones are taking a beat to rest up. Lots of work ahead, but yeah, we have no intentions of giving up. We’re still in it, whatever “it” is or will become.
“The survival instinct kicks in.” 100000%. I’m a stand up comic and had a fun weekend booked for Th-Sat and was sorta dreading it, but last night’s show went surprisingly well. People needed to laugh. I needed to vent. I kinda ranted for the first 10 minutes, in a fun way. It all worked out.
RSVPing for the pity party. Bringing a plus one. ❤️
I get it, both on the creative slump and the geopolitical dread. Feels like forever since I made any real progress on any creative project, and while I hate the Democratic party, a Democratic win would at least have put me in “another four years of the last quarter century” being the worst likely outcome and maybe a few small, fragile wins for progress, but now I fear the crappy status quo is the best we can realistically hope for and pray to Jefferson and Franklin Trump is as ineffectual as I hope he is.